Chewing Gum

It is hard to think of anything more inelegant than chewing gum.  In fact, for most people, it is down right ugly.  I submit that if any civilized person took thirty seconds to look at themselves in the mirror while they chomped and chewed and smacked their gum, it would be the last time they ever put a piece of gum in their mouths. 

Granted, gnawing on a piece of gum is difficult for anyone to do with grace, but for most people grace was never a consideration.  Indeed, most chewers look almost primeval or something more Cro-Magnon-like as they grid away.  And just looking ugly isn’t enough for the devoted chicle-chomper.  An unfortunate number of these people manage to turn ugly into disgusting with their ruminations.  For example, many gum-chewers do so with their mouths open, having the effect of watching a cow chew its cud.  I have nothing against cows it is just that they are not expected to have any manners. 

Another popular way to share this disgusting habit with others is when the gum-chewer forces the gum into bubbles and then pops them for all to enjoy.  This activity is usually repeated over and over and generally has the same effect as dragging one’s fingernails down a chalk board.  Not content with assaulting your ears with the loud and annoying sound produced by the popping bubble, the bubble blower will often supply a memorable visual to supplement their vulgar display.  This is the result of a bubble blown so large that when it pops the gum plasters over part of the blower’s lips and face.  At that point, the chewer, ever eager to show off all his or her barnyard breeding, then peels and picks the gum off of their face and stuffs it back into their mouth for more chomping.  Others prefer the lowborn “clicking” technique.  This variety typically tracks one’s education level.  That is, the more ignorant one is the more likely he or she is to “click” his or her gum. 

The “clicker” in my experience is, more often than not, a woman, but I suspect a truly scientific survey would reveal men “click” as often as their chomping female counterparts.  The “Clicker” manipulates the gum inside their mouth in a manner designed to produce a loud “clicking” sound.  Much like its crude cousin the bubble blower, the clicker quickly produces headaches in anyone within earshot, which, due to the obviously practiced technique of these commoners, can be tens of feet in all directions. 

A quick look at sidewalks, floors and the undersides of table tops will demonstrate just how classy gum-chews are as a group.  Do yourself or a loved one and all of the rest of us a favor:  stop chewing gum in public.