Hazard Lights

Living in the Bay Area has afforded me the opportunity to learn first hand many new things about driving, that I heretofore did not know, living as I did, outside the Bay Area for many years.  Most of what I have learned is surprisingly absent any mention in the California Driver’s Manual.  One of the areas about which I have become enlightened was on the use of the hazard lights. This, I believe, is unique to Northern California. In most of the rest of the country, the hazard lights or "flashers" are meant to be used to signal other drivers that you are experiencing mechanical difficulties or that an emergency exists and that you are in need of help. Here in the Bay Area, flashers are have evolved considerably from those limited purposes anticipated by automobile manufacturers and the Legislature.

For example, I now know that the hazard lights allow you stop in the middle of the road, regardless of the time of day, weather conditions or presence of any other motorists and regardless of the speed of the other cars on that road. The flasher similarly allows you to make illegal turns, particularly u-turns or turns that require that you traverse several lanes of traffic. The hazard light also allows you to park anywhere. This is one of the most delightful it its uses. The technique is simple: you turn on your flashers and park your car, quite literally, anywhere you want. The preferred use is to block access to and from parking lots, businesses and other streets. The more popular the area the better.

Another handy use for the hazard light is to simply block all lanes of traffic, especially if you are waiting to pick someone up, say from school, or from their job. There is no need to pull to right of the road or to, perhaps, park in a designated area. No. With a simple press of the hazard lights button, you can inconvenience and endanger literally hundreds of people without a care. Again, the technique is simple. Turn on your hazard lights, stop your car as far into moving traffic as you can and wait for your passenger. Oh and by the way, there is no time limit. With the flashers operating you can wait for as long as need for your passengers. Everyone else will find a way around you or wait, assuming you properly blocked all possible passage.

Finally, and one of the most novel uses of the hazard light here in Northern California, is to alter all conventional right-of-way regulations. Your flashers allow you to run stop signs and similar restrictive traffic regulating devices. With the flasher blinking, drive through these pesky traffic controlled areas at your will – all other must yield to you. In fact, you can do just about anything you want when you have your hazard lights on. It is Northern California’s do-what-ever-the-fuck-you-want-to device. After all, if the manufacturer of the car did not want you to liberally use these lights, they would not have made the switch so large and placed it so prominently on the dash board. Push the button to active your flashers and you do whatever rude, dangerous, inconceivably stupid, selfish, moronic and life-threatening move you can possibly do. And then drive home, plug in your environmentally-friendly car and really feel good about yourself.